How to Stop Apologizing: A Work in Progress

I've been absent and off the grid and thinking about everything else other than art and making things that make me feel things. BUT I made an exception and scrawled my 2018 New Years Resolution. Check out my past posts regarding New Years to see that I'm pretty serious about this stuff. This year I'm working on trying to stop apologizing for my existence. 

Every other word that comes out of my mouth at work is "sorry." And once I started to notice how frequently I apologize, I started to get more and more irritated with myself. Sorry to ask this question... Sorry for doing my job... Sorry for asking you to do you job... Sorry that you have to do that... Sorry that you're upset at that person... Sorry you have to work this weekend... Sorry I didn't drop everything I was working on to help you with your problem... Sorry I don't know the answer... Sorry that you lost your pencil... Sorry I'm breathing... Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

The more I say 'sorry,' the more I feel worthless. I feel like I'm taking up needed space, like I'm not good enough or worthy of anyone's time or attention. It's hard to break deeply embedded habits, so this year I researched and lettered instructions on how to work on and accomplish my resolution. 

Hope you all have a wonderful 2018! 

Everything Sucks

Broccoli and Bananas, killer combo.

When the only thing in your life that you were excited about disappears, you should wear big plastic fruit & veggie earrings to draw attention to yourself so you can focus on people making fun of you and not the inner sadness. Just something I've learned from personal experience. Also pizza helps. 

*Cin Cin*

When my grandma was visiting me this past week, I found out that she drinks beer out of a wine glass... So classy, so weird. That seems off topic, but my point is whether you sip from a brown paper bag or use your finest china, I'm raising my metaphorical glass to all the ladies out there killing it on the daily. Happy International Women's Day! Thanks for existing everyday in a world that doesn't always feel welcoming or kind.

XOXO

Dead Serious

Laid around all weekend on my death bed as my body succumbed to disease. I felt like the end was nigh for me but then I took some more cold medicine and I pulled through. 💪 Not the best weekend, but I caught up on The Bachelor and watched Moonlight and drank copious amounts of La Croix. Also drew this dumb doodle and ate some tacos, ehhhh. I'm so basic.

Bye!

Breathe Deep.

I think most of the time we (as human beings) are thankful our nostrils point downwards so we can survive like, rainstorms and showers and snot, but I woke up this morning wishing (again) that I could flip my nose upside down and just really breathe in this storm that is brewing outside. 

Does anyone know what I mean? 

Anyways, someone posted this and I'll just leave it here...

Dollar Dollar Bill, Y'all

Thank you, Tucson Gem & Mineral show for allowing me to bedazzle my alien fingies with lots and lots of weird rings. Everyone, please pay attention to my tight $ dollar sign $ ring. I think it ups my street cred, or something.

Also, I realize I bought like 9 black rings, but I'm like half goth so what did you expect?
Also part 2, maybe I should put my fingers to use and make some art soon? Instead of just decorating them like a gaudy grandma? Eh.

xoxo.

I might have bought a water bottle that had 24k gold painted on it... I mean, did I really have a choice? Hydration made classy. 

Superpowers

I don't "get" superheroes and all of that, but I do have a really cool superpower! It's called being so fat that I hulk out of my shirts at work. Like just ripping sleeves off of a blouse because my arms are sausages and my shoulders are linebacker status. SUPER ATTRACTIVE, ask anyone.

Older Than Dirt

I've heard that it's all downhill after you turn 25.

Like, one day you're a youthful 24 year old who is able to touch their toes and shotgun a beer with no adverse effects and the next thing you know you're 25 and in Urgent Care being told you have carpal tunnel. Awh.

(Side note: I have never been able to touch my toes and the one time I shotgunned a beer, I absolutely hated it... but hypothetically those are cool mid-twenty activities. The carpal tunnel part is relevant to my life currently though.) 

My dad said this to me on Christmas morning after I opened some anti-aging creme I was gifted...
Subtle. Real subtle.

Granny Dani WAS my nickname (that people said behind my back) in high school so I'm not super surprised I have a soul of a 80 year old and the face of someone recently deceased.

TV Rules Everything Around Me.

Isn't it so beautiful, you kind of want to cry? Is that just me? Huh. 

I'm trying to figure out how to stop time but continue to exist so I'm able to finish all these seasons before the weekend ends. Advice on accomplishing this is welcome. 

Side note from a TV expert: Netflix's OA is pretty thumbs up. It's super bizarre and engrossing; I had no idea what I was getting myself into but I just know I couldn't stop watching. It's insane to me that there are still original thoughts left in this world. 

A Year In Review

Happy 2017, ya weirdos!

I spent my New Years Eve with my best friends being a tad bit glutinous. Let's just say I was not feeling too hot January 1st... Oops.

NYE is my favorite holiday, which I realize is very girly of me... but hey. I like dressing up, glitter, champagne, fireworks and the idea of someone feeling obligated to kiss me. I also like the idea of starting fresh and bettering myself and leaving the past behind. New Year Eve is never as fabulous as I imagine it to be, but it has the potential of being so great that I just keep trying to make the holiday love me back as much as I love it. (Story of my life. It's not working out.)

Anyways, most people I know refuse to make New Years Resolutions because they know they aren't going to keep them. I like to give my future self the benefit of the doubt; maybe I won't be as garbage as I was the year before... You never know! I also think it's beneficial to enter the new year with good intentions. I don't think it's wrong to set expectations for yourself and I think posting my resolutions online every year kind of holds me more accountable.

The word I can't get out of my head is "resilience." It's one thing I am focusing on in 2017. I want to be tougher this year. I want to grow and bounce back and keep trying even if I really don't want to. I want to be nicer to myself and practice more self love and be more mindful of my mental health. I want to hate myself less and recognize how much I am growing. 

I also like the idea of working hard and loving harder. Life is obviously more than a job and money. When I say hustling, I mean throwing myself (and my "art") out into the world. Creating more opportunities for myself and trying harder to make things that make me feel good. I want to try my best and allow myself to feel accomplished afterwards. 

I also want to be comfortable and happy. My favorite feeling is the peaceful, warm safety of my bed. I want to create more restorative niches like that in my life this year. (And I want to cuddle my cats more. That cool?)

Here's hoping, right?

Major cheesin'

I listen to this song every year on New Year's Day and it makes me kind of sad and kind of hopeful too. 

Creative Criticism

Trimmed my hair, like, 3 inches??? and everyone at work had a hay day? It doesn't even look different, I don't understand. 

My favorite interaction after a haircut is the classic:

Other Person: "Did you cut your hair??!"

You: "Yeah." 

Other Person: "... Okay" 

Like, that person is SO disappointed in your appearance they can't even say one nice thing. Or pretend to say something nice. Or be human and be compassionate. They just have to point out that you made a huge mistake and then walk away.

Or:

Stranger: "Did you get a haircut?"

You: "Yeah."

Stranger: "Well, do YOU like it?"

You: *mental middle finger* 

Or:

Dude: "WHAT DID YOU DO?!"

You: "What?"

Dude: "YOUR HAIR!!!!!!"

You: "Alright."

People are kind of the worst. Just sayin'

Iconic

That color scheme, though. 😍

Got a tight package in the mail today (that contains some Christmas presents so I can't really show you everything right now) BUT look at how beautiful Eddie's art is!

I ordered a bunch of his movie icons that he designed and screen printed and they are just so good. Yellow is my favorite color so I'm totally heart eyes right now. I also got one of his enamel pins that is super X-File/Roswell-esque and I'm going to wear it on all my jackets so the aliens know I'm truly into them. 

Side note: I was so pathetic in art school that Eddie felt bad for me for always sitting alone in our Typography class and he pity friended me. Isn't that the nicest thing? Now he lives in Austin and screen prints for a living and makes sweet designs like these on the side.

Buy your own cool shit from Eddie here!

And check his work out here. 

Totally cool. 

OMG.

After much internal debate, I think I'm just going to make this blog an Emily Orzel fan page? Cause it essentially already is, am I right? Let's make it official.

Look at this cool interview she did recently and look at how much the internet loves her!

A photo posted by Emily Orzel (@emilyorzel) on Oct 3, 2016 at 4:42pm PDT

My friend, being interviewed. Psh, it's cool. Whatever, just BFFs with an actual celebrity. Not panicking right now. Shoulder shrug.

NAH. So cool. Such a sweet piece written about her and her answers are very much two thumbs up.

And uh, you know, she just mentions me. Like, I started crying in the lunch room when I read this at work and saw my name. Who thinks about me when they are getting interviewed ABOUT THEMSELVES?! Who thinks of me at all?!? Nuts.

If you want my autograph, let me know. THX.

Weekend Snippets

Thanks Amazon Prime for delivering this on its release day, thanks also for shattering the case. Sweet of you. 

Spent the weekend working and listening to too much Gambino and buying so much cutie art from my friends. Can't complain, won't complain. 

Got my one Cyber Monday purchase this week and it was too beautiful not to photograph? I bought too much lip balm and then also like brow gel and concealer because my face is mostly composed of eyebrows and zits. Love Glossier's branding and design and their products are top notch too, obviously.

After work on Saturday, my friend and I rushed over to Cultivate Tucson on 6th Avenue to visit all the hippest creatives in Tucson. Cultivate has got to be one of the coolest events in Tucson and I felt intimidated (and inspired) by all the beautiful creators there. Emily Orzel, my friend who I talk about like she is a saint (she is!!!) had a beautiful booth there and I basically raided it. I pushed people out of the way and grabbed everything my hands could get ahold of. Not proud of my actions, but not embarrassed either.

Emily Orzel prints. I need to become a worrier warrior because right now, my anxiety is always winning. Also, I believe so much in breakfast food and wish I could eat it always. 

Snagged these HAND SEWN HAND SCREEN PRINTED flags (or sport triangles as Paul so eloquently called them) and I am so obsessed. These guys sold out so quick at Emily's show and I basically begged her to save me two and I feel really guilty being so selfish but also... I needed them an insane amount. So, so beautiful.

♥

This is Emily's beautiful booth set up. Her aesthetic is always on point and everyone was loving what she was putting out into the world. 

Stole (borrowed?) this photo from Emily because it's so beautiful and I also wanted to talk more about her flags! She made them in three colors and they went like hot cakes. If you're interested in one, contact Emily and ask nicely because I'm sure there will be some sort of waiting list for these beauties. But like all good things, it will be worth the wait. 

I swear I'm not completely obsessed with cacti, just kind of sort of. Bought this ring from an old classmate who is KILLING IT in the metal working game. We took jewelry making together a couple years back and I'm embarrassed at how terrible I am compared to her. Spring Winders' wearable art is sold in a lot of shops in Tucson, like Pop-Cycle on 4th. 

Spring Winders aka Helitrope Metal is one of my favorite jewelry makers. I say that because I think a crazy high percentage of my rings and necklaces are her creation. I just think she is the coolest and makes real quality stuff that handles all the wear and tear I put on my jewelry. Check her out!

Then on Sunday morning, I was surprised to see my momma's art front and center on the Home Section of the Arizona Daily Star! A whole half page dedicated to her cool wind chimes. She's basically Tucson Famous. You can buy her art at Tohono Chul Park, Tucson Botanical Gardens, or Southwest Gardener in Phoenix. Super unique Christmas gift, just saying...

xoxo. 

PS. I also ate a weird amount of marshmallows this weekend. I don't think I even like them that much... 

Remember, Remember

I don't have mantras because those sound pretentious and really snotty and annoying but I do obsessively repeat words over and over trying to convince my brain to believe them. That sounds cooler, right?

These are nothing new or exciting but I had to write them out to see 👀 tonight because I was in a real bratty mood all day and I needed to get over it big time. I'm really struggling with #3 right now and that's all I'm going to say.

'Night! 

Thankful as Fudge.

Nothing like a holiday dedicated to food and family (two of my favorite things) to make you remember how god damn lucky you are. I'm so thankful for so much and even though I am a baby who complains 95% of the day, I am truly OKAY with what life is dishing out for me. I'm lucky to be able to be home this year for Thanksgiving instead of thousands of miles away, I'm lucky to be in a healthier mental state than I was a year ago, I'm lucky to be living and surrounded by really good people?!?

I'm especially lucky/thankful that one of my best friends came home from Connecticut for the week. I haven't seen her in almost a year! BUT we have been friends since the beginning (aka second grade) and when you have been friends with someone for like 18 years, you can handle long distance. I sent her home with one of my pillows so she'd have a little piece of Tucson (and me!?! Is that creepy?) with her this winter. How cute is her apartment?! I'm in love. Like, I can't wait to visit and sleep on that futon.

xoxo.

Help a Lady Out!

One of my only friends from DC had the terrible misfortune of having her house completely burned down yesterday. Luckily, her family and herself made it out unharmed but everything they owned is destroyed. I'm truly feeling helpless and sad I can't be closer or help more. Consider donating what you can to a truly remarkable lady and her family. 💔

Tickets to the Gun Show

Have you ever did something as a joke but then somehow it stopped being a joke and just became a really important part of your self identity? I can't stop finger gunning everyone I see. It has become a habitual mannerism and it's so much easier than saying "hi" or "Good Morning!" or "Yo, Sup?" 

I just let my fingers do the talking and I keep walking. I kind of hate myself for being such a tool, but also, do I look really cool doing it??? Probably. 

I can't stop and honestly, I won't. Who knows, I might even make the hang loose Shaka cool again. (Or was it never not cool? I'll leave you to ponder that...)

*Finger guns* I'm out. 

Nap Queen

I have had a crappy last couple days and I really, really want to run away because that's my instinct and I'm embarrassed as all heck... BUT I'm trying to be tough so I'm just going to nap a lot instead. Don't be like me, kids.  

*Charles Barkley voice* I am not a role model.

Pay Attention to Me, Internet!

Super last minute banner, but gold forever.

I want to quickly say a big THANK YOU to everyone who stopped by my booth last weekend, said sweet things to me and purchased some of my weird, terrible art. It really meant so much to me. I'm truly lucky to have people care about me and to have sold so much stuff to so many nice human beings. I wanted to post a little something to show everyone who could not make it what it was all about. I plan to post my extras online to purchase. No future shows have been planned... yet.

This unflattering photo of myself looking super grumpy and chubby was posted on the internet. This is my ~true~ self. 

Got some spiral notebooks made if you're a nerd and like paper. 

At one point, a woman walked by my booth was was like "whoa, someone likes cacti..." and I was like, yeah I'm trying to appeal to a desert-based dynamic... and she laughed. I just feel like I need to clarify that I do like other things other than cacti... I am painting a lot of prickly things because one, you see cacti products EVERY WHERE and no one accurately represents them like I attempt to and two, right now if it has a cactus on it, people will buy it. It's like Portlandia's "Put a Bird on It" mentality. Put a cacti on it... and sold! 

I love cacti though, so the woman was not wrong.

This is Emily and Spencer's cat, Opie. He seems to be a fan of my work, and heck, I'm a big fan of his.

After working at a stationery company for a year and a half and printing and assembling thousands and thousands of notepads, I of course had to sell my own.

I made my first run of "Crap to Buy," "Shit to Do," and "Bitches to Call" notepads back in college. They were all letterpressed and super time consuming. I wanted to make more for this show, so I found a pad vendor and ordered them... This is the only pad style they would print for me because my other designs were "too vulgar." Like, the company's CEO refused to. LOL. Okay!

I made this pattern so long ago but never had it printed and it is so pink and happy and thats so different from how I feel, but I really love it. Peonies, by the way.

Can I plug Ikea bags for a second? I use them for everything. Everything. I think I have like, 4 in my car right now. They are huge and durable and look, they hold a ton of pillows.

I made little dish towels with my patterns on them and they sold out the first day so I had to go home and sew up a bunch more! Who knew you guys like washing your dishes so much? 

I also got to meet and hang out with a bunch of really cool vendors and they were all so nice to me and I want to hug them forever? Regina Lord was one of those talented vendors and I bought her cute little Frida mirror and this too true pin that I immediately put on my knapsack. Her illustrations are so beautiful and I can't wait to buy more. 

So cool/so weird to see people like my stuff in real life. I'm very surprised to see my "art" making people happy, it's very surreal and wow. Crying. 

Last thing: Emily Orzel, my dear friend, brought me these beautiful prints and I'm so in love. She is selling her work at Tucson's MOCA and that's a VERY big deal and I am so happy. Nothing better than seeing people you love doing amazing things. 

Thanks again, everyone! ♥  ♥  ♥ 

Okay! Enough about me, let's focus on Childish Gambino and collectively count down to his new album drop in 21 days!!!!!!!! Lemme just play this over and over until I go deaf.