How to Stop Apologizing: A Work in Progress

I've been absent and off the grid and thinking about everything else other than art and making things that make me feel things. BUT I made an exception and scrawled my 2018 New Years Resolution. Check out my past posts regarding New Years to see that I'm pretty serious about this stuff. This year I'm working on trying to stop apologizing for my existence. 

Every other word that comes out of my mouth at work is "sorry." And once I started to notice how frequently I apologize, I started to get more and more irritated with myself. Sorry to ask this question... Sorry for doing my job... Sorry for asking you to do you job... Sorry that you have to do that... Sorry that you're upset at that person... Sorry you have to work this weekend... Sorry I didn't drop everything I was working on to help you with your problem... Sorry I don't know the answer... Sorry that you lost your pencil... Sorry I'm breathing... Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

The more I say 'sorry,' the more I feel worthless. I feel like I'm taking up needed space, like I'm not good enough or worthy of anyone's time or attention. It's hard to break deeply embedded habits, so this year I researched and lettered instructions on how to work on and accomplish my resolution. 

Hope you all have a wonderful 2018! 

Breathe Deep.

I think most of the time we (as human beings) are thankful our nostrils point downwards so we can survive like, rainstorms and showers and snot, but I woke up this morning wishing (again) that I could flip my nose upside down and just really breathe in this storm that is brewing outside. 

Does anyone know what I mean? 

Anyways, someone posted this and I'll just leave it here...

Remember, Remember

I don't have mantras because those sound pretentious and really snotty and annoying but I do obsessively repeat words over and over trying to convince my brain to believe them. That sounds cooler, right?

These are nothing new or exciting but I had to write them out to see 👀 tonight because I was in a real bratty mood all day and I needed to get over it big time. I'm really struggling with #3 right now and that's all I'm going to say.

'Night! 

Nap Queen

I have had a crappy last couple days and I really, really want to run away because that's my instinct and I'm embarrassed as all heck... BUT I'm trying to be tough so I'm just going to nap a lot instead. Don't be like me, kids.  

*Charles Barkley voice* I am not a role model.

My Week In Review

Quick, messy gouache doodles.

I've been having a weird past couple weeks. They've been really frustrating and embarrassing and awkward and... sweaty? (Sweat seems to be a strong theme, awesome.) Doodled out some of my anger this afternoon instead of taking a rage nap and I feel a lot better. Like, obviously more sleepy but not as mad.

No real way to explain the random bits and pieces I illustrated above other than to dive right in? Here are a few quick snippets of my bizarre week:

• I was driving to work at like 5 am and I pass a cemetery and I notice a lady taking a shit on a grave stone. Why? Also: seeing a middle age butt that early in the morning is not ideal.
• Talked to a jabroni at work and he said I didn't look Italian except for my hairy arms. So romantic and sweet of him. Not at all self conscious now. (Silver lining? I don't get cold easily. Also, clearly it's a conversation starter.)
• Developed a sweet sweat mustache that just seems to permanently rest on my upper lip. Thanks, humidity, you're a bitch. #realwomensweat
• Really wanted to flip off almost everyone I interacted with this week but very thankful for my self control and vivid imagination.
• Had a panic attack during work today because something triggered me and I couldn't breathe. I was cold sweating like a son of a gun and had to go to the bathroom to dry my armpits under the hand dryers in there. Side note: this was incredibly effective. Second side note: I know hand dryers are germ traps from hell but my armpits were a lost cause at this point. 

Also got called 'eccentric' today by a stranger, so thumbs up forever for being the weirdest human being alive without even trying.

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Read a book on a meditation and its positive health effects and this stood out to me. 

Material possessions don't buy happiness but hell, if they did...